A Public Service Announcement (Brought to You by Jenny)

This is a PSA from me, Jenny, telling you, the modern woman, not to get a soccer mom haircut.

No, seriously. Don’t.

What is a soccer mom haircut? There are various levels of atrocity, ranging from the helmet head look (shown below) to the vomit-inducing “Kate Gosselin” (which I refuse to post here. This is supposed to be a happy space).

I get it, women want a short haircut that is easy and fun since they don’t want to spend 30 minutes on their hair in the morning or whatever, especially if they’re mothers. I understand that. But there are so many cute hairstyles, even short ones,  that you can get instead of this monstrosity.

And my PSA extends to women of all ages. I’ve seen this haircut on even college-aged women, which I don’t really understand. You’re college students! You’re young! You have all the frickin’ time in the world! Don’t tell me how “busy” you are. That is bullshit. Your day consists of rolling out of bed 5 minutes before class, attending maybe 2 to 3 classes at the most, taking a two hour lunch break, doing the minimum studying and homework required, and then spending the rest of your time on Facebook and other social networking sites. This does not constitute as “busy.” Believe me, I was in college not (so) long ago – I KNOW.

I’ve even seen this haircut on BABIES. BABIES. WHY MUST THE INNOCENT SUFFER? I had a short boyish haircut when I was three, but it was cute. Boyish haircuts can adorable if done correctly and if it fits your face (more on that later). But soccer mom haircuts on your child? I thought you loved your child too much to subject her to this.

“But Jenny,” you may say, “Victoria Beckham wore this haircut and it was SO CUTE. And Katie Holmes did too since she’s just a style clone of Posh. If they can do it, I CAN DO IT.” Ok, a couple of things to remember – first, that was three or four years ago. Stay with the times, woman. Second, you should not compare yourself to Posh. The woman could wear a dress made of Pop Tarts and somehow make it look fashionable. It takes talent to pull off the high level of ridiculous that she does but she makes it work because she’s POSH. Finally, she and Katie Holmes weigh a combined 75 pounds. You have to have a certain frame and facial features to wear this hair. Usually, only people with a petite frame and features have even a prayer of pulling off the Soccer Mom look.

I don’t know why so many women seem to take offense when they hear this. No, ladies, you can’t look good in just ANY haircut. I can tell you right now that my Italian nose is way too large to rock any short haircut. Cutting my hair short will make me look like an ugly prepubescent boy. I’ve accepted this. WHY CAN’T YOU?

In conclusion, if you ever want to get a soccer mom haircut, be advised that you are getting a dated look that will make you look the opposite of modern. It says, “Look at me. I have no interest in even attempting to fix myself up. Where are my Mom jeans?”  I mean, do you really want to have the same haircut as Nancy Grace?  Your answer should be somewhere in the, “Oh Mother of God, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” range.

Look through magazines for inspiration. (I highly advise that you stay away from any Kate Gosselin-inspired hair style, but that’s your business.) Take it to your hairdresser and get her opinion. Believe it or not, they went to school and (usually) know what they’re talking about. If you find family members and your stylist advising you away from a certain haircut, MAYBE YOU SHOULD LISTEN. Be creative but be classy. Don’t default to the soccer mom haircut simply because it’s the easiest one. It’s not stylish. It’s not sexy.

You’ll thank me later.


2 thoughts on “A Public Service Announcement (Brought to You by Jenny)

  1. ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😆
    That is one of the funniest posts I have ever read! Wow. You have talent for comedy. Please do one on the “bowl” cut that mom’s still give to their sons (or have someone else do that cut to their sons). That cut looks attrocious, on any age!! Unless, of course, you are trying to look like Tom Sawyer.

    What caused you to write this? Did someone you know get this cut???

    I will be chuckling about this blog for a very long time to come!!!!

    • Thank you Freedom 😀 I’m glad you enjoyed it! It has been my pet peeve for awhile, actually. I saw a two-year-old getting a cut in the salon last week that resembled a soccer mom haircut, and seeing that kind of unleashed the rant! I see so many women get this haircut and I find it is flattering on VERY few of them.

      Thank you again, I’m glad you liked it 🙂

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