1. Hey, I’m glad that you found a hobby that you enjoy. But I don’t care to read the intricate details of your hobby three times a day.
2. You’ve recently taken up running. As a fellow runner, I’m really glad that you’ve discovered the sport. But we don’t need to know every time you go on a run. Seriously.
3. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but posting about your period is gross. This is one of the times where I fully support the “be a lady” axiom. No one needs to know, nor do they care. TMI.
4. You don’t have to make updates five times a day. This is not Twitter. We know you’re alive.
5. Please keep the family drama to yourself. It’s embarrassing to talk about it in plain view of everything.
6. OH GOD, I DO NOT CARE HOW MANY TIMES PEOPLE DO ZUMBA. Multiple people on my friend’s list post about how awesome Zumba is, and I’m going to Zumba, and Zumba’s so much fun, and NO. I DON’T CARE.
7. If you fall for the “Post your bra color to support breast cancer” or “post a picture of a cartoon character to stop child abuse” or “Pedophiles are stalking profiles with cartoon characters,” then you are being judged. Big time.
8. Stop posting vague comments about emergencies and then A. not give anyone an update or B. ignore the questions that follow. If that’s your way of getting attention, then you’re just pathetic.
9. Honey, I’m glad it’s your birthday, but there’s no need to birthday whore through your status updates a week before reminding everyone about it. We’re all in our mid-to-late twenties now, not six.
10. Stop posting quizzes all day. What are you, twelve?
This is probably why I’ve blocked status updates from approximately half my Facebook friends list.