How to Get Ready for an Opera in Thirty Minutes or Less!

1.  First, make sure you get in a fight with the best friend you are going with about something petty and stupid like dinner arrangements.  This is sure to get the night started off on the right foot, and to inject some much-needed drama into your evening.

2.  Make sure you shower. But if you’re in a hurry and your hair is clean and your makeup still looks decent, skip washing your hair and face.

3.  Don’t forget to shave, even though your legs are so bruised that any attempt at having ladylike legs will be a lost cause anyway.

4.  After you’re done showering, pull your hair into a dramatic ponytail, because updos are classy.  Or something.  Plus, it hides the fact that your hair wasn’t washed.

5.  So…what to wear?

6.  No, seriously, what do people wear at operas?

7.  Don’t they get pretty dressy?

8.  Oh shit, the dresses I own either look like I’m going to the beach or my prom.

9. Choose a dress from your closet.  Try it on.  It has a butterfly print.  Discard it as an option after two seconds.  Why do you even own this dress?

10.  Choose another dress from your closet, one that is not dressy but looks good on you. Realize the only shoes that go with the outfit are torturous heels.  Try to get away with wearing totally clashing shoes.

11.  Take off shoes and dress after two seconds because you cannot bear to disobey the fashion gods and shame your Italian family with your lamentable fashion decisions.

12.  Severely regret previously mature life choice of not shopping anymore to save money.  While your savings account is happier, your closet is sad.  Oh so sad.

13.  Find a black, sparkly, sleeveless dress that was a New Year’s party outfit reject.  Put it on.  It’s a little tight but with the right shoes, you can look like you’re attempting to be classy and not slutty.

14.  Find right shoes. Convince yourself you look classy and not slutty.

15.  Look in mirror.  Experience shame and remorse at the uneven tan your arms and shoulders have going on there.

16.  Touch up on makeup.  Vamp up the eyes.  Add lipstick.  Remove it because it looks slutty with the vampy eye makeup.

17.  Grab leather jacket for a rock and roll edge and small purse.

18.  Dash off to your car.

19.  Hope you do not regret your fashion decisions.

20.  How long are operas, anyway?

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