Last week, I attempted to fix dinner, but it was a disaster. Feeling too tired and lazy to cook another meal, I decided to evoke the college days by having a bowl of cereal for dinner. I checked my pantry, selected a box, and poured it in my bowl. I don’t eat cereal very often, so this particular box had been sitting idly on my shelf for perhaps two or three months, if not more.
You can already guess where this story is going.
After finishing a bowl, I decided to have another. I checked the box – there was a little left, but enough for a bowl. I poured the rest of the cereal in the bowl and added milk. As I was putting my milk carton down, I noticed a flicker out of the corner of my eye. Was something moving in the cereal bowl?
My internal monologue went something like this:
Jenny: No, you are tired. Of course nothing moved in your cereal bowl, stop being such a paranoid – OH GOD, THERE IS SOMETHING MOVING IN MY CEREAL BOWL WHAT THE FLIP WHAT THE FLIP WHAT THE FLIP.
Trying to control my horror, I looked at my bowl. As I looked closer, I noted multiple things moving in my bowl. Little bugs were crawling around the flakes. Bugs. More than one. They looked like this:
Which meant that my previous bowl had bugs too. Which meant that I had just ingested a bowl of these assholes.
I immediately threw the contents of the bowl down the drain and turned on the garbage disposal. Usually, I try not to kill innocent creatures, but the fact that they had invaded my box of cereal clearly signaled their desire to die.
I keep a clean home too, but I guess if you keep a box of cereal in the pantry for months, you should expect unwanted invaders.
After that, I tried eating something else, but had lost my appetite. Do you all know what this means? I never lose my appetite, ever, except when I’m really sick. And that happens maybe once every four or five years. You can sit across from me and play the “Sea Food!” game, or talk about your bowel movements, or throw up, and I would still have my appetite. Hell, I didn’t even lose my appetite after watching 2Girls1Cup twice.
YOU WIN, UNIVERSE. YOU WIN.