An Open Letter to All Drivers

If I am already driving 5 mph over the speed limit and you are behind me, tailgating me and throwing your arms around and otherwise acting like an exasperated bitch, I will go slower.

I won’t brake.  I’ll just ease off the accelerator, and if we happen to come to a stop sign, I will sloooowly advance, look back and forth four to five times, and then roll away like molasses.

Seriously. Try it next time.  I don’t care if you’re late.  There are people who speed up under the pressure of an aggressive driver, and I am not one of them.

An Open Letter to the Person Who WON’T TURN OFF THEIR CAR ALARM OH DEAR GOD

To the person downstairs who owns the stupid SUV with the goddamn alarm:

SERIOUSLY?! You’d think you’d remove your alarm the FIRST TIME your car went crazy.  WHY CAN’T YOU TURN YOUR CAR ALARM OFF LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?  Good lord.  Are you a CIA agent who lives in this building as a cover, and you are currently in Uzbekistan?  Is that why you can’t walk downstairs and turn off your alarm?  I don’t know what kind of life you lead, but some of us need a magical thing called SLEEP because we actually WORK for a living.  WHAT A CONCEPT.

And if you were back in my hometown, your car would have been gutted thirty minutes ago and its parts would already be on its way to Mexico/your local garage sale.  Just sayin’.

But seriously.

DEAR GOD.

PLEASE REMOVE YOUR CAR ALARM.

FOR THE GOODNESS OF MANKIND.

AND MY NECESSITY OF SLEEP.

FUCK.

Not sincerely,

Jenny